The Old Song and Dance

In all of my infinite fabulousity (and trust me it is over 9 thousand) I can not seem to obtain happiness from the same venues as before. My steps are slower, monies have dried up, and companions are leaving at an alarming rate. Why is it that when people haven't seen you for a while one of the first things they ask is 'how's the love life'? Is this one more area of socialization I missed out on by reading and being good at math?

Maybe I am only sensitive to this question because the answer is a constant and stagnantly abysmal reminder that I am STILL alone and undoing this status is a constant psychological struggle.

This brings me to recent events- The Pond is starting back up, the higher ups have yet again changed their backing name (no comment) and once again familiar faces come together to crank the wheels and work the gears for fun, experience, and profit. While I don't mind this, it's old hat, what I do mind is the sinking feeling I get of never being good enough, for things beyond my control like my physical appearance.

Yes, I'm black, lesbian and female- the most visible invisible minority around- and yes I lack the amount of intimacy I would like to have, but that in no way gives someone the right/privilege/nerve to insinuate that I am an ugly dyke fuck up- at least not to my face. Which is usually my problem, I don't have an issue with certain people not finding me attractive, what I have a problem with is that being howled in front of my peers and colleagues as an amusing epithet to be attached to my character. I mean really? ... really?

I am starting to learn (with painful accuracy) that the only person that can take care of me is me. With that being said, I can't burn myself out on trying to make others happy or dance for "mr charlie" if all they are going to do is kick me down. It is also why I have started looking into medicinal (the legal kind, don't get excited) venues to let out and untangle this mess that is reality versus perception versus fantasy.


Can you say the doctor is in?